A Letter From an American Mother

This letter touched me in a way I cannot describe and I found myself nodding my head in agreement to the sheer ignorance that supposedly accepting and open people possess.

Sunday, April 30, 2000
By SHARON UNDERWOOD
For the Valley News (White River Junction, VT)

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Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people.

I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that, as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood, he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him, or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.

You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter on April 12 in the Valley News, who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing", asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

Sincerely,
Sharon Underwood

(Please invite others to read this, if you were moved by it.)

Hectic Times!

Well, I moved. There'll be pictures soon enough... now that my mom's been here and ensured it was beautiful when she left. No, I haven't totally skewered it yet. Give me some time.

Updates on my life (fun blog to come soon):
*I lost my job because Curves is closing August 14th.
*Curves is not closing August 14th, so I still have a job.
*This semester I have three classes, lots of work hours, a thesis to write, and PhD programs to apply too.
*I'll have no life. But such is life.

I think that about sums it up.

More later :-P.

Trials and Tribulations of Being An Adult: Having Your Car Towed

I wake up this morning tired as all hell after a bad night of sleeping and really disturbing dreams.

I go downstairs, dying for coffee. I walked round and round... only to not find my car. I walked round and round for a half hour, no car. So I come back upstairs, have an emotional breakdown, call my supervisor and tell her what's up. Suffice it to say, I wasn't at work on time. Hell, I was late for my second shift too!

I go back down, I search for another half hour. Front desk doesn't come on duty until 8:00am. So I go get coffee and search some more... I guess praying it'll just show up? Maybe I'm blind? Or my natural blonde roots are showing through?

I read through my contract. I recall maybe being a little over the line. But really? First offense and tow? Puh-lease, not for the amount of money I pay for this building. But regardless, I read through my contract. All it says is to have the placard posted. Nowhere dose it note what the parking offenses are, that there is the possibility of towing, or if you are towed, whom to contact.

Finally at 8:00am, there's the front desk lady. Lo and behold, my car had been towed. I amble on down to the towing joint, blow $115 bucks and I now have my car.

At 10:00am I will be going downstairs to have a little chit-chat with the manager. Due to the notations I made about my contract above, they are in breach of contract. So either they pay me back the money, give me three months "free" parking, or my attorneys will be in contact with the management company. Forget dealing with these airheads.

But, after my mental breakdown (read: emotional), I realized that I'm lucky enough to have parents to help me out (and who happen to be lawyers), I (for once) have money in the bank to actually be able to deal with this, an understanding boss who is filling in for me (how cool is that?!) and my baby wasn't stolen. So all in all, just a petty annoyance. Pain in the butt, but petty annoyance.

I had to text mom at 3:30 this morning her time and she thought I must be sick before reading the text... so at least I've got my health, nothing drastically wrong, and I'm capable of taking care of it.

I have a confession to make...

I ate. I went way over calories allotted for breakfast. I realize I should learn to not emotionally turn to junk when I'm stressed, but this was really not the morning to do that... so I didn't. And instead screwed over healthy eating and had a fat ol' starbs drink. Yum!

Go me! ;). I'll learn one of these days... maybe...

Teaching an aging dog new tricks... maybe not...

Trials and Tribulations of Being Female: Being a Bridesmaid

No matter how low cost the bride tries to make it (and most definitely do not try), weddings for the bridesmaid end up costing bank.

First, the dress. Which is never cheap. For the wedding I'm about to be in, the price wasn't a total bank breaker (for which I am forever grateful), but... then you have to fix the dress. And mine were no simple fixes. The shoulder straps needed to be brought up, the waist taken in, shortened, and a piece made to cover up "the girls" (a deep V dress never works on girls who have "girls" - just a word of advice for those dreaming about their weddings). All of this? Cost the exact same amount I paid for the dress. So what was once semi, kind of, maybe, I can barely handle it, reasonably priced, became mucho more expensive.

What's worse? It doesn't fit! My tailor took in the waist, then raised the shoulders. I have an hour-glass shape, meaning my waist is much smaller than my back/bust area. Meaning, the dress doesn't fit. So now I'm on a hardcore healthy living plan. Yes, healthy living. I am NOT dieting. I eat next to no food (compared to before, don't worry, still eating!) and workout twice a day. I'm also considering Spanx so I can eat that night - don't worry, I'll have a whole blog about that alone someday.

Now to continue to the added cost. Shoes are next. And with many bridesmaid dresses, they need to be dyed to match, meaning a very limited choice. Then there's the option of a purse, which I did so I can be the helpful maid of honor and hold her lipstick. And don't forget the nail appointment for tips/nails to be re-done, toes to be done for the open toe shoes, and I, personally, have the added cost of hair because, for those who recall, I have pain-in-the-ass hair.

Then there's the bachelorette party cost and gift. Luckily I have dresses already for the tea, bachelorette party, and rehearsal dinner or I might just have to pop myself.

Add in a destination wedding, which is the case for some brides. The monstrosity of airline tickets is rather depressing.

But it's all worth it when the friends are happy on the day of, seeing as how it is her day. But the getting there?

Well, hopefully I can find a way to pay my June rent :).

Welcome to My Dating Life

I can already hear my dad saying, "I'm not going to read this!" and my mom considering the same. I promise, nothing terrible, dirty, or otherwise unreadable.

So I've been internet dating off and on for years - having also studied it. It should come as no surprise that I still do so. Internet dating has many pros and cons, as does meeting people in various other ways. So please, if you're considering it, do not let this story talk you out of it - this is one of those funny exceptions that you simply have to take as a grain of salt.

On this web site I have to email five people per month and so I find this one guy who seems nice enough whom I email. He hits me up while I'm on the site (they have a chatting service) and he gets a bit heavy on the compliments, "Oh you're so pretty, you have such a great smile, yak yak yak." Don't get me wrong, I love compliments as much as the next person, but if it's overboard in person, it's worse on the computer. (And no, this wasn't a plug to share how beautiful I am and how great my smile is)

So later on in the evening we're chatting and he says, "You're going to hate me." I respond, "What? Already? Why?!"

"You turn me on"

I'd like to note to all of you cynical and sarcastic people out there, there are no pictures that even remotely show "the girls" on this web site, so don't you go getting dirty on me and saying, "duh".

Which makes this almost even more hilarious because it's just my face... which means... well... I'll let you fill in the blanks!

Adding insult to injury, I then got contacted on the same site by what is possibly the hairiest man I have ever seen.

And people wonder why I don't get out much?!

I kid. Mostly.

An Answer to a Question

I was asked a question, in regard to the topic of the post below, gay marriage.

Why does it matter so much to me?

I am clearly a believer in free speech, so I will have my voice heard. I am a believer in equality. We must strive to be equal and not allow laws to demean this ideal.

And then there are the more personal reasons. First, I know what it is to be beaten down upon and censured because I am hearing impaired. Why would I perpetuate the wrongs done to me?

But more... my father has been off and on ill in some respect or another for the past 8 years. He has been to the hospital many times. Every time, my mother can walk in those doors and say, "My husband is back there. Please take me to him."

There are people not allowed to do this. People want to make this ultimate commitment to each other, the commitment to stand by each other through thick and thin, sickness and health. Yet they cannot stand by each other in sickness and it brings tears to my eyes.

It breaks my heart that we cannot be there for each other in our times of need. There are people who need to be there for each other in times of sickness and I need to support that.

Ultimately... the words of Martin Niemoller are applicable here.

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the communists
and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me
and by then there was no one left to speak out for me.

Words Fail Me

I had hoped for a better today. I had hoped that doing what is right and what is just would prevail.

It did not.

Today a decision came down from the California Supreme Court regarding Proposition 8. They upheld it. Prop H8 stands, the proposition that bans gay people from getting married.

The proposition that denies equality. The proposition that stands for closed-minded and closed-hearted people.

The justices hide behind their robes. They could have made a statement. They could have upheld that all men (and women) are created equal.

They did not. They upheld that the people have the right to change the constitution through the ballotbox. I was not aware that it is copacetic to change the words of a nation.

We are not equal. We are not even close to equal. It has been handed down that a group of people are allowed to be spit on, stomped on, and otherwise outcasted.

I am not only disappointed in the justices. I find myself disappointed in my homestate's constituents. Those who voted yes stand behind their bibles and their families... they stand behind their fear and their hate. The Bible says a great many things and I could go to every person who quotes me the Bible and show them exactly how they are not living by every word of the Bible. It is a time of change, a time of technology, a time not like written in the Bible. It is not about every word, it is about the root, the lessons. What is at the root of every lesson? That's right - love. So those hiding behind their Bibles should stop. Those who claim they believe in family should go hug and kiss their spouses, look in on their children sleeping, and tell themselves they've ripped this dream that they live in away from thousands of people.

Stop being afraid. Stop being afraid of something different, stop being afraid of your own sexuality. I do not care if you are gay, straight, bi, confused, or anything else. I am straight. I am comfortable being straight. And because I am comfortable, I stand for my fellow man because I AM NOT AFRAID. I am not afraid of me, my sexuality, or my power. I will stand with the down-trodden, with the beaten, because they deserve every chance, every dream that I hold. I will stand, without fear, by my fellow person because we all deserve a chance to live. I have been censured by those close to me and I have every conviction that these very same people are rejoicing in their prejudice as we speak. I will continue to vote, to fight, to offer my voice. I will stand firm for those who need more people, more voices, more love.

Whatever state you are from, I beseech you. Look in your heart. Look in your heart past the politics, past simple words on a page, past fear. Look deep and remember what love means to you and then give somebody the chance to also share their own love. If this is not enough for you, then think about the struggles of our country. Through race and gender, we have become legally equal. This is no different. Continue this vein of equality. Do the right thing by giving every man and woman a chance to be equal.

Do you want to die knowing you hated or do you want to die knowing you loved?