"Fatty"

In the last few days, fatness has come to my attention in a very different way.

As a prelude, I have never been particularly thin. I'm not the biggest vegetable eater, I slacked off on exercise in college and beyond and I'm built like my father's side of the family... i.e. I'm a linebacker. I didn't get the diminutive build that my mother and her folks have. I'm pretty sure it's not even REMOTELY present in me.

As an extended prelude, I've been working harder lately to get to a healthy weight - for me. Not what all the books say is a healthy weight as those weights are made for women not built like me - no, not using my bones as an excuse, but let me give you an example. My smallest pant size that I can even remember is an 8. I'm fairly certain my shoulders were a size 12, i.e. buying a dress was the biggest pain in the ass. I don't mind not being small, I rather like my shoulders and shape - as when I'm in a good weight zone, hello hourglass.

Buuuuuuut, I'm not in that zone right now and I'm okay with that. I made quite a few bad decisions over the years and I'm paying for that. And I'm also reversing it.

That being said, I don't have the same comfort level talking about my weight, weight loss efforts and motivations that I do about my hearing impairment. And the situations that have recently come up have forced me to reconsider and to come to better terms with who and what I am and who and what I am working to be.

Short story of situation one is that I was with a friend and they kept pointing out weird looking couples - skinny men and not so skinny women. Well, I'm not so skinny and for pretty close to the first time in my life dating a skinny man. (The other time was short lived and I was toast for a girl shorter and heavier than me - but with smaller boobs! ;)) It occurred to me for the first time that day, and I almost asked my friend this, if people look at the guy I'm dating and myself like that. Incredibly disconcerting experience to say the least.

The second happened today. A friend is scoping out better ways to exercise while traveling, specifically scoping out Insanity (Beachbody.com) and brought it up to me, knowing that I'm on an amazing nutrition/fitness web site and have been working hard myself. He also asked a buddy of his, who has a gal pal doing it... I reminded him to make sure that he did not need a huge amount of space to do it. Her response, "If you're in a king size room, you have more than enough space, even a fatty could do it." Wow. To be lucky enough to be thin your entire life and have the balls to say that with so little understanding.

Let me quickly explain to you Insanity. It's an insane workout. Duh. I've read a few blogs on sparkpeople (my amazing site) and there are some who are heavier that tried it and went, uh oh, I can't handle this. So for this young lady to (a) insinuate that anybody can do it, is just wrong. And (b) to then be so callous and show such a lack of everything just bothered me.

And then it occurs to me. It's no different than me with hearing aids and you without. You don't know. You don't understand. Unless I, or someone who has a similar aspect, explain it to you. These skinny people just don't have a clue. They don't understand the trials, the tribulations, the hurt, the trouble, the physical pain, the depression, the everything of being fat.

From my all time heaviest to my goal weight, I have 80 pounds to lose. I am not at my all-time heaviest, so I do not have that remaining. But I do remember being that heavy. My knees hurt, my wacked out hip hurt, I was often exorbitantly tired. I shoveled food in my face when I was bored, when I was emotional, just because. It became a habit. Sitting on my ass became a habit.

And habits are hard to break.

I look at people bigger than me and I just want to help, because I do have a conception of how they got there. I'd like to think that I'd never get so big that I'd be called a fatty and then I recall that 80 pounds is no chump change. My level of tolerance has gone up two-fold because I get it. I understand.

I also understand the shame. I emailed my friend from Sunday about the skinny man/not so skinny woman situation. I was told essentially that I was being sensitive and that I was holding them in contempt because I must think I'm better than they. Quite wrong on every front. I was ashamed that I hurt about it in the first place. I was ashamed that I once upon a time might have also thought that was funny. I was so ashamed that no longer do I think that's funny, but I might be one of those people. I wrote the e-mail out of utter shame because I just really didn't want to have to, but I needed to because support comes in numerous ways and one of those ways is to be conscientious of what you say and who you're talking to. This friend is so incredibly supportive in a billion ways, including in the weight loss efforts, so this is not the end of the world certainly.

But it also made me realize something else. Something to do with that shame concept. There's nothing to be ashamed of (not that I'm telling you my weight until I hit goal weight or anything :P) and there's something I haven't shared with most people. I told my sparkpeople friends because they wouldn't laugh at me or wouldn't doubt me or question me and my want to do this.

I'm going to run a marathon.

I haven't told my family this. I haven't told my boyfriend this. I haven't told my best friends this. Because of that fear I'd be laughed at, doubted, or questioned. All people who are insanely supportive.

My mother might be laughing at me now because she knows I hate to run, but that's entirely beside the point :P.

So why am I doing it? Because I can. Am I going to do it tomorrow? NOPE. Next year. Marine Corp Marathon. Be there or be square.

I'm starting with a 5k, I'm running it in Long Beach three days after my birthday - provided my wonderful, loving parents will haul their bootys out of bed to provide me transportation. It's my birthday gift to myself. My gift to myself that I'm getting healthier, one step at a time.

Then a 10k.

Then a half.

Then... the full shebang.

Hopefully I don't trip. That's probably the other reason why my mother is laughing right now - she's not laughing at me, she's laughing with me at the fact that I hate to run and my likelihood of tripping is insanely high. There's something to be said for being incredibly athletic and not being able to walk. Maybe running is considered a sport in the weird parts of my brain that control my muscular movement?

So, in my convoluted way, I've come to the point that there's nothing to be ashamed of, there's nothing to feel shame at and there needs to be a better understanding of those who have more than no pounds to lose. We all have our struggles in life and for some of us, our biggest one is fat. And that pun was totally not intended.

On that note... I need to get running.